Monday, April 3, 2017

Finding Out About Baby #2

Considering I'm 25 weeks pregnant, I figured why not start some pregnancy updates! haha! Yeah, 2nd pregnancies can be different than your 1st, and I've taken a little step back from blogging because it became overwhelming for me. But as I look back at my blog posts from Emmett I LOVE that I wrote my updates. I look back at them and think how funny it is to compare the pregnancies and how happy I am that I recorded what I felt. I started this blog as a personal space for myself and as I grow and learn, I've realized that this place is my personal journal that I am able to share with friends, family, and followers and I never want to lose that. So, I want to share this pregnancy and my life as much as I can, along with my personal stories. This story in particular is very personal to me. So, I'll share that with you today and I'll give you a pregnancy update tomorrow! <3

Back in November, I noticed for about 3 days straight Emmett was nursing differently. At this point in time Emmett was solely breastfed, but suddenly he would "pop off" of me while nursing and take to a bottle better. He has always been good with bottles thankfully, because I had an oversupply. But the fact that he wasn't nursing normally was strange to me. In those 3 days, I also noticed during my pumping secessions that I would pump 1-1.5 ounces less than normal. I figured that I must be regulating finally! It gave me an excuse to cut down pumping... haha... If you've ever pumped you know how time consuming and annoying it can be, and up until then I needed to pump to get myself out of pain, because I was constantly engorged. I was happy about this change, but still couldn't figure out why Emmett suddenly seemed uninterested in nursing. A day or so later I physically started to feel different. I mean what is "normal" after pregnancy, labor, delivery, postpartum recovery, and nursing? Haha! But it felt like my period was supposed to start. It was also the same exact feeling I had before I took a test with Emmett. So, I waited exactly 1 week from that feeling to see if I was going to start. The week came and went... And nothing. Then it was like the pms symptoms just went away. That is when I started to think "what if I'm pregnant"? I thought it was impossible due to the 3 different forms of contraceptive we were using. I hadn't even told Wyatt of my concerns yet because I thought there is no way. So, while Wyatt was sitting on the couch on a Saturday afternoon I went rummaging through our bathroom closet to find a pregnancy test.

I found 1 left over from last year when I took them with Emmett, and quickly looked at the back of the packaging. It said 10/16, now it was 11/16 so I figured I'd just try it even though it was expired. I explained to Wyatt why I was taking it and he said "ya... go for it" as he was watching some show on tv.  We both just thought I was taking it to ease my mind. I peed on the stick and came out to talk to Wyatt, while we waited. A couple minutes passed, I looked down at the test, and it said pregnant. I showed Wyatt and he said "look at that wrapper again." I went back in the trash, grabbed the wrapper, and it said the expiration was 10/17. It wasn't expired after all. I started to feel so overwhelmed. I was 12 weeks postpartum. It didn't make sense. We talked about waiting 2 years for our next baby. I was just starting to feel like I could handle myself, Emmett, and Wyatt. It was a lot to take in. Wyatt and I were googling "could you still have the hcg hormone in your body 12 weeks pp," along with anything else we could thing of. The answer is no, if you were wondering. The longest it can last is up to 6 weeks. Haha!

That same night, Wyatt went to his brother's bachelor party/dinner and I went to target with Emmett and bought 2 packs of pregnancy tests. I couldn't wait to get home to take the test so I Facetimed one of my best girlfriend, and had her "there with me" as I took one test in the Target bathroom. That test also came out positive. It still didn't feel real. We were both shocked. We made some jokes about me being "fertal mertal" and how I literally just took a test in the target bathroom. (lol) But I remember hanging up the phone with her and feeling a little numb. I set up an appointment with my OBGYN whom I had just seen 3 weeks prior for my post partum check up, to now verify this pregnancy. I can't even tell you how long those 6 days were. We found out on I was pregnant on a Saturday, I had an appointment that Monday then another that Wednesday, and had to wait until that Friday to get my results back. In between that entire week of waiting I took 2 more at home tests which ALL came out positive. I was prepared for the answer, but I was still didn't believe it. After the doctors results also came back positive, I started feeling really weird again. I was getting morning sickness, dizziness, and fatigue. I tried to push back my physical exhaustion but the more I pushed the worse it got. When I was pregnant with Emmett, that pregnancy was a literal dream. I didn't feel pregnant until I was like a month out from delivery. So this was so different to me.

I was able to get an early ultrasound because pregnancies this far apart aren't necessarily typical. I was over 8 weeks when we saw her and I just couldn't believe it. There she was (didn't know she was a she yet), but there I was carrying another baby. I kept thinking how weird it was that my body was carrying a different baby. I had carried Emmett for almost 10 months and just gave birth to him 3 months prior. It was all so strange, it's like it finally started to register that I was pregnant again. I had the same worries that I did when I was pregnant with Emmett but now with this pregnancy. Pregnancy is an amazing thing but I don't think people realize just how much mom's worry about their babies even before they are born.

As the days went on I decided to slowly ween Emmett from nursing because my milk supply dropped severely and because it was just too hard to share my body with both babies while trying to take care of myself. Luckily, Emmett was great with the whole thing. He didn't have any resistant issues, as long as he could have his hand in my shirt (haha) which totally worked for us. But up until that physical toll, I felt strong and that I didn't have any postpartum depression symptoms but being physically unable to take care of me and Emmett, the way I wanted to care for him broke my heart. I cried so much out of guilt wishing I could be a better mom for him. But I had no control over my body and that was the hardest trial I had ever experienced. All the while we were moving, and Wyatt was finishing up with last semester at BYU. I don't think I would have been able to get though it all without my incredibly supportive husband. He did so much for us when I was completely out of service. There were times when Emmett's poop would make me want to throw up, so for about a month Wyatt changed almost every single diaper. Emmett and I are really lucky.  I felt this awful for probably almost 2 months, it wasn't until after the holiday's where I felt like I could function again.

That whole experience really gave me empathy for depression, I have my own imperfections and things that I work on everyday but I've never felt so disconnected in my life. It gave me a deeper understanding for those who experience emotional pain. Sometimes we just can't shake a sad and disconnected feeling away and it's ok to reach out to your friends, family, and doctor for help.

Mostly, my symptoms during my first and beginning of my second trimester consisted of nausea, fatigue, loss of appetite, and headaches. I would get these weird rashes though. I have really sensitive skin and break out for random reasons sometimes, but I would get these blotchy hives in the afternoon/evening for a month straight! I never figured out why that happened because one day they just magically went away, but that has probably been the weirdest symptom I've had this far. I also started showing with this baby at 10 weeks, just a month after I fit back in my size 1 jeans... I didn't start showing with Emmett until I was like 24 weeks, it's whatever ;) haha!

I started feeling really good towards the end of January, which was such a relief. That is also around the same time we found out the gender. From the beginning I felt like it was going to be a girl because of how different this pregnancy was from my last. Wyatt thought it was going to be another boy. So did most of our friends and family. I didn't necessarily care either way, but when we saw that she had girl parts, I was so happy. With Emmett I thought he was a girl the whole time, and when we saw him on the ultrasound there was no mistaking that he was a boy. The rest of my pregnancy it was just so weird for me to think I was growing a boy, because I felt like we were supposed to have a girl haha! So when we left the appointment I was in tears because it felt so right to be carrying a her. I knew we were supposed to have a little girl too. We did this all super last minute because we didn't even know if we'd be able to see the gender or not because we did the ultrasound at like 15 weeks. But after we found out, we wanted to surprise our family and closest friends so we thought it was a great excuse to get a cake and reveal it on there!


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